My sheets look like a crime scene.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
