i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
