it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
