i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
