I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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