hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
