hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
