I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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