I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
