a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
