I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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