i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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