Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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