I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
