Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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