having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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