I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Quick, to the slutcave!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
