Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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