Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
