Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
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I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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