your parents love me but you hate me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk is not a location!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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