NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
