Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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