I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
