my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
