Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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