I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
