just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
