I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
