Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
