I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
