Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
