He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
