I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So many bounce houses so little time
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
