haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
