my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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