She is in my trunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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