I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
