She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
