Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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