so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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