I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
