she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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