omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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