I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you traded sex for a burrito?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
