I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize