when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
