I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't turn off my feet"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
