i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
