just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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