nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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