my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
