You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
