Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
