If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
