I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
