I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
