God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
